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Post by BIGKEV on Nov 20, 2006 21:15:29 GMT -5
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Post by THEPAT24 on Dec 2, 2006 10:44:19 GMT -5
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. After ordering their cornbread and beans, they talk about the latest addition to their junkyard business. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it."
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Post by THEPAT24 on Dec 3, 2006 12:35:02 GMT -5
In a little tavern alongside a country lane, an elderly couple were having a beer. The husband Leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
"Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.
They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen.
This goes on for about ten minutes. Both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The Policeman, still watching thinks, this was truly amazing. He thinks, I've got to ask them what their secret is.As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
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axle
Junior Member
Tom Beringer kicks ass
Posts: 96
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Post by axle on Dec 3, 2006 13:08:56 GMT -5
Very nice
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Post by THEPAT24 on Dec 7, 2006 9:44:20 GMT -5
What do you call a Mexican with two dicks??
Jose and Hose B
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Post by THEPAT24 on Jan 4, 2007 10:19:54 GMT -5
An elderly Jewish gentleman marries a much younger woman. No matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask their rabbi.
The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on the desired event." They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love.It doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.
"Okay," he says to the husband, "Let's try it reversed. have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."
Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets working with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting, screaming orgasm. The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, "You see that, you schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!"
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Post by Whiskey on Jan 4, 2007 11:03:48 GMT -5
Dammit, Patrick.
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Post by Wong on Jan 4, 2007 22:50:18 GMT -5
Admit it you chuckled.
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Post by Whiskey on Jan 5, 2007 8:52:28 GMT -5
I did. But then I wanted him to hit himself.
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Post by Wong on Jan 5, 2007 17:12:35 GMT -5
As did everyone else who read the joke.
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Post by THEPAT24 on Jan 24, 2007 10:10:06 GMT -5
Two men were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from a burning freight vessel. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth! This particular genie, however, stated that she could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!" Immediately the genie clapped her hands with a deafening crash, and the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished to her freedom. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. The other man looked disgustedly at the one whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat
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Post by THEPAT24 on Feb 12, 2007 10:37:52 GMT -5
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. >The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. >She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. >The sign reads , "If you can catch me, you can have me." >Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. >The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing >happens. On the fi fth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised. >He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. >The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me". >Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while before he can continue, so for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. >Much to his delight on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. >He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. >"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely, " he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years." >The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign aroun d his neck that reads, >"If I catch you, you are mine
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Post by BIGKEV on Feb 12, 2007 15:36:58 GMT -5
Miking it for my 1K post.
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Post by BIGKEV on Feb 12, 2007 15:37:18 GMT -5
1000 posts! I need a life!
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Post by THEPAT24 on Feb 12, 2007 23:36:25 GMT -5
Welcome to the 4 digit club BIGKEV
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