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Post by devinlikeham on Feb 13, 2007 8:20:09 GMT -5
i have joke that is in terrible taste
what sound does a baby make in the micro wave?
i dont know i was too busy jacking off
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Post by THEPAT24 on May 24, 2007 15:16:04 GMT -5
Wild Irish Ho's
An Irish daughter had not been home for over five years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.
Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..."
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."
"OK, Dad -- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million."
"For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and..."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug."
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Post by THEPAT24 on May 24, 2007 15:51:25 GMT -5
True Story from Houston Medical Center
A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis.
According to the Nurse attending, the patient's girl friend found the ring in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.
I don't know what's worse:
1) having your girl friend find out you're married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.
3) Or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.
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Post by THEPAT24 on Jun 5, 2007 13:59:29 GMT -5
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies. . .
Wait for it. .
It's coming. .
The suspense is killing you, isn't it?
She says:
"You just happened to catch my eye."
(oh shut up, and just forward it!)
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Post by Xanth on Jun 5, 2007 15:06:53 GMT -5
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Post by Davey on Jun 6, 2007 10:14:05 GMT -5
That image Xanth is horrible, but I laughed so hard.
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Post by THEPAT24 on Jun 7, 2007 13:43:24 GMT -5
<img src="http://www.coloringbookland.com/images/cartoons/cbl_0278.gif" />[/img]
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Post by THEPAT24 on Jun 7, 2007 13:43:53 GMT -5
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Post by devinlikeham on Jun 12, 2007 11:40:07 GMT -5
semi-racial joke sorry if it offends
what did hitler say to the black jews?
go to the backof the oven.
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Post by THEPAT24 on Jun 19, 2007 14:39:09 GMT -5
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," sa ys the man. "Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there ," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What 's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
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Post by Fred Sanford on Jun 28, 2007 15:20:51 GMT -5
> >A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her > >little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman > >police officer who was also a BLONDE. > > > >The blonde cop asked to see the blonde's driver's > >license. > > > >She dug through her purse and was getting > >progressively more agitated. > >"What does it look like?" she finally asked. > > > >The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has > >your picture on it. " > > > >The driver finally found a square mirror in her > >purse, looked at it and handed it to the > >policewoman. "Here it is," she said. > > > >The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then > >handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't > >realize you were a cop.
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Post by Fred Sanford on Jun 28, 2007 15:25:12 GMT -5
Welfare Queen >>>>> > A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 >>>>> > kids... >>>>> > "WOW," the social worker exclaims, "are they ALL YOURS???" >>>>> > "Yep, they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard >>>>> > that question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy." >>>>> > All the children rush to find seats. >>>>> > "Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. >>>>> > I'll need all your children's names." >>>>> > "This one's my oldest - he is Leroy." >>>>> > "OK, and who's next?" >>>>> > "Well, this one he is Leroy, also." >>>>> > The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, >>>>> > through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is >>>>> > introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy! >>>>> > "All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are >>>>> > they all named Leroy?" >>>>> > Their Momma replied, "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time >>>>> > to get them out of bed and ready f or school, I yell, 'Leroy!' And >>>>> > when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' and they all comes >>>>> > running. And if I need to stop the kid who's running into the >>>>> > street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest >>>>> > idea I ever had, naming them all Leroy." >>>>> > The social worker thinks this ov er for a bit, and then wrinkles her >>>>> > forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you want ONE kid to >>>>> > come, and not the whole bunch?" >>>>> > "I call them by their last names."
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Post by THEPAT24 on Jul 3, 2007 12:13:43 GMT -5
LESBONICS > 1 What do you call a pantry full of lesbians? .. > A licker cabinet. > > 2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian? .. > A Klondyke. > > 3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns? .... > Militia Etheridge. > > 4. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time? > Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face. > > 5. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe? ... > Fur Traders. > > 6. What is a lesbian dinosaur called? ... > A Lickalotapuss. > > 7. What do yo u call a lesbian with long fingers? .. > Well Hung. > > 8. Did you hear that Ellen DeGeneres drowned? .. > She was found face down in Ricki Lake. > > 9. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar? .... > Even the pool table doesn't have balls. > > 10. What do you call lesbian twins? ... > Lick-a-likes. > > 11. What's the definition of confusion? .. > Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market. > > 12. What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian? > One's a snack cracker, the other's a crack snacker > > 13. What do you have when you've got 50 lesbians and 50 state workers? > 100 people that don't do dick.
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Post by Fred Sanford on Jul 9, 2007 18:13:24 GMT -5
one day this old farmer went to the barn to get one of his mules to go down and do some plowing.one was called caude,the other maude .got the old mule ready,jump up on it's back and headed out.when he came up on a biggest snake he had ever seen,he jump of the mules back to kill it,when the snake said', 'please mr.farmer please dont kill me,if you wont ,i will get you three wishes! the old farmer ,said ok,my first wish i want a mansion,over there on that hill top,and puff,it was there.and i want the wall paper to be $100.00 bills,and in ever room i want a beautiful woman,ok said the snake it's all there ,you know mr.farmer ,i don't always do this,but i like you,i'm going to give you 1 more wish! the farmer thought for a sec. and said you know i have always had a small tool,i would like to be hung like this here mule!ok you got it! ,.the farmer jump back on the mule went up to the mansion,open the door,and sure enough,the walls, had $100.00 bills as wall paper,he ran into the living room,and there stood the most beautiful woman he had ever seen!she said,i want you i want bad,he drop his overalls and looked down and said,dam! i was riding maude instead of caude!
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Post by devinlikeham on Jul 18, 2007 0:57:07 GMT -5
hey why do you put a baby feet first in the blender?
to see the expression on its face.
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