Post by Xanth on Apr 4, 2006 12:11:18 GMT -5
This was a cute list. I have seen some before, but some are new. The list is at:
www.shatnerology.com/kirk.html
About a million reasons why Kirk was better than that bald Toad-boy Picard
115. There is still not a church of Picardology on the web.
114. Kirk slept naked on a bed as flat as a board. Picard wore PJs on a satin and silk draped fluffy pillow bed.
113. Kirk would have stayed with the Borg and made himself King.
112. Kirk never relied on Klingons to get him out of a fight with the Romulans.
111. Kirk got in a fight with a Gorn and won. Picard got in a fight with a spring and won.
110. On Picard's ship, Troy's place was at his side. On Kirk's ship, Troy's place would have been his lap.
109. The only time Kirk put his phaser on stun was when he was looking for sex.
108. Kirk is a leader, not a follower.
107. Kirk never got into that kinky "Jumpsuit" look.
106. Kirk has sex more than once a season.
105. One Word: Hair.
104. Another Word: Pretty-good-looking-can't-see-the-weave-WIG.
103. Kirk can beat up a Klingon bare-handed.
102. Picard is a French man with an English accent.
101. Kirk would date Beverly Crusher-- and damn the consequences!
100. Kirk never drinks tea. Ever.
99. Diplomacy for Kirk is a phaser and a smirk.
98. Kirk would personally throw Wesley off his bridge.
97. Two words: Shoulder Roll.
96. Kirk doesn't wear dresses when Admirals arrive for lunch.
95. Kirk once said: "I've got a belly-ache -- and it's a beauty."
94. Kirk would never sing to children in a crisis.
93. Kirk can almost drive a stick shift.
92. Kirk, almost single-handedly, repopulated the Earth's whale population.
91. Kirk says: "Prime Directive? What Prime Directive?"
90. Kirk knows 20th. Century curses.
89. Kirk was NEVER infiltrated by the Borg and used against the Federation.
88. Kirk ate little colored cubes and still remained relatively healthy.
87. Kirk made do with obviously low-performance technology.
86. Kirk never pretends to be a barber in order to gain a tactical advantage.
85. Kirk wasn't shy about taking his shirt off -- even around those pesky Yeomans.
84. Kirk would never waste a holodeck on something stupid like Dixon Hill.
83. Kirk never once stood up and had to straighten his shirt.
82. One Word: Velour.
81. Kirk can beat a Vulcan at chess.
80. When Kirk was Picard's age, he retired from Admiral and took to climbing rocks.
79. When Picard was 37, he was only commander of the lowly freighter, Stargazer. When Kirk was 37, he was Captain of the flagship Enterprise.
78. Kirk liked a good belt of liquor every now and then.
77. One Word: Iman.
76. Kirk looks good with a ripped shirt.
75. If Kirk ever met a Ferengi, he would rip off its head and shit down its neck.
74. Kirk says: "Shoot first and wait for retaliation."
73. Kirk saved the Earth in 3 TV shows and 2 movies. Picard? Not once.
72. Kirk's first officer NEVER tells him to stay on the bridge.
71. Kirk never leaves the room to bawl somebody out.
70. Kirk doesn't rely on the wisdom of some old janitor to get him out of intergalactic scrapes.
69. Two Words: Funky Sideburns.
68. Kirk never asks his bartender for advice.
67. Kirk never once said: "Abandon ship! All hands abandon ship!"
66. Kirk is not politically correct.
65. Kirk never got "dumped" by some woman for an intergalactic busy body named after a letter of the alphabet.
64. Kirk never wore green tights and frolicked about in Sherwood Forest.
63. If there was ever a Klingon on Kirk's bridge, Kirk would likely be dead.
62. The first Enterprise didn't have a lounge.
61. Ever hear of a bar shooter called: "Make it so?" No? How about a "Beam me up Scotty" then? See the difference?
60. One Word: Miniskirts.
59. Kirk's girlfriends always look good in soft light.
58. When Picard found humans from the 20th century, he returned them to Earth. When Kirk found humans from the 20th century, he beamed them to a hostile planet.
57. Kirk never went anywhere without a whole bunch of guys in red shirts.
56. Kirk's first officer didn't play some wimpy instrument like the trombone.
55. Kirk had more dates than his first officer.
54. The extent of Kirk's knowledge of Klingon vocabulary can be roughly translated as "GO FUCK YOURSELF."
53. If something doesn't speak English -- it's toast.
52. Kirk wasn't some prissy archaeology fan.
51. Picard's middle name isn't tough or awe-inspiring like Tiberius is.
50. If Kirk finds a strange spinning probe, he blows it up.
49. Picard has never met Joan Collins.
48. Kirk's bridge had rails made of orange-painted 2x4's.
47. Picard flunked his entrance exams to Starfleet.
46. Picard hasn't fathered any children; Kirk -- probably millions.
45. Kirk has a cool phaser, not some pansy Braun mix-master.
44. One word: Miri.
43. Kirk would've figured out how to kill Q.
42. Two Words: Line Delivery.
41. Picard grew up on a quaint little French vineyard, squishing grapes between his toes, while Kirk slung bales of wheat and hay in Iowa to put himself through school.
40. Kirk emphasizes his orations with pertinent hand gestures.
39. Kirk once made a cannon out of bamboo, sulfur, potassium nitrate and charcoal, and fired diamonds into the heart of his enemies. (Need we say more?)
38. Kirk is not put off by green skin.
37. Kirk was out saving the galaxy when Picard's grandfather was wearing diapers.
36. Kirk knows how to deal with peace loving hippy goofs.
35. Kirk once fought a Greek god. And won.
34. Kirk drinks Romulan Ale.
33. Kirk rarely asks for suggestions. And if he does, he asks Spock only.
32. Kirk won't let his Doctor tell him what to do.
31. One Word: Fisticuffs.
30. Kirk's name is hated throughout the galaxy.
29. Kirk appreciates Shakespeare, but doesn't let it show.
28. You can never lock up Kirk for very long.
27. Kirk's eulogies can actually make you cry.
26. Kirk plays god with lesser cultures, and then exploits them for resources.
25. Kirk's son would never drop out to become a musician.
24. Kirk could climb up a Jeffries Tube and fix anything.
23. Kirk never hired an engineer with punk glasses.
22. The Klingons didn't have a word for surrender -- until they met Kirk.
21. Kirk's bridge is not beige.
20. Two Words: Crane Shots.
19. Picard likes wimpy violin music -- and coerces Data into playing it.
18. Picard allows cats on board, while Kirk beams away even cute things, like tribbles.
17. Kirk is a cultural icon -- Picard is just some guy who's really nice.
16. Kirk specifically ordered a swivel LA-Z-BOY for the bridge.
15. Kirk would never touch SYNTHAHOL.
14. Kirk looks distinguished in reading glasses -- and nobody dares to call him "four eyes."
13. Kirk can infiltrate Gangsters, Nazis, and even the Pentagon -- easily.
12. Picard likes painting nudes, for art's sake.
11. When Kirk doesn't trust the Romulans, he fires at them. When Picard doesn't trust the Romulans, he gets fired at.
10. Kirk never once, ever, wore a wiener wrapping Speedo banana hammock on shore leave.
9. Kirk never gets his command codes locked out by some pimply acting ensign.
8. Kirk doesn't test the engines -- he just fires them up.
7. When Kirk says "Boldly Go" he MEANS it.
6. Three Words: Flying Leg Kick.
5. Picard's crew would never think of him as a sexual object.
4. Kirk traveled through the Great Barrier, met God, and wasn't even impressed.
3. Kirk's bedroom is a passion pit with electric sheets.
2. Kirk would never let his Chief of Security wear a ponytail.
1. One Word: Balls
www.shatnerology.com/kirk.html
About a million reasons why Kirk was better than that bald Toad-boy Picard
115. There is still not a church of Picardology on the web.
114. Kirk slept naked on a bed as flat as a board. Picard wore PJs on a satin and silk draped fluffy pillow bed.
113. Kirk would have stayed with the Borg and made himself King.
112. Kirk never relied on Klingons to get him out of a fight with the Romulans.
111. Kirk got in a fight with a Gorn and won. Picard got in a fight with a spring and won.
110. On Picard's ship, Troy's place was at his side. On Kirk's ship, Troy's place would have been his lap.
109. The only time Kirk put his phaser on stun was when he was looking for sex.
108. Kirk is a leader, not a follower.
107. Kirk never got into that kinky "Jumpsuit" look.
106. Kirk has sex more than once a season.
105. One Word: Hair.
104. Another Word: Pretty-good-looking-can't-see-the-weave-WIG.
103. Kirk can beat up a Klingon bare-handed.
102. Picard is a French man with an English accent.
101. Kirk would date Beverly Crusher-- and damn the consequences!
100. Kirk never drinks tea. Ever.
99. Diplomacy for Kirk is a phaser and a smirk.
98. Kirk would personally throw Wesley off his bridge.
97. Two words: Shoulder Roll.
96. Kirk doesn't wear dresses when Admirals arrive for lunch.
95. Kirk once said: "I've got a belly-ache -- and it's a beauty."
94. Kirk would never sing to children in a crisis.
93. Kirk can almost drive a stick shift.
92. Kirk, almost single-handedly, repopulated the Earth's whale population.
91. Kirk says: "Prime Directive? What Prime Directive?"
90. Kirk knows 20th. Century curses.
89. Kirk was NEVER infiltrated by the Borg and used against the Federation.
88. Kirk ate little colored cubes and still remained relatively healthy.
87. Kirk made do with obviously low-performance technology.
86. Kirk never pretends to be a barber in order to gain a tactical advantage.
85. Kirk wasn't shy about taking his shirt off -- even around those pesky Yeomans.
84. Kirk would never waste a holodeck on something stupid like Dixon Hill.
83. Kirk never once stood up and had to straighten his shirt.
82. One Word: Velour.
81. Kirk can beat a Vulcan at chess.
80. When Kirk was Picard's age, he retired from Admiral and took to climbing rocks.
79. When Picard was 37, he was only commander of the lowly freighter, Stargazer. When Kirk was 37, he was Captain of the flagship Enterprise.
78. Kirk liked a good belt of liquor every now and then.
77. One Word: Iman.
76. Kirk looks good with a ripped shirt.
75. If Kirk ever met a Ferengi, he would rip off its head and shit down its neck.
74. Kirk says: "Shoot first and wait for retaliation."
73. Kirk saved the Earth in 3 TV shows and 2 movies. Picard? Not once.
72. Kirk's first officer NEVER tells him to stay on the bridge.
71. Kirk never leaves the room to bawl somebody out.
70. Kirk doesn't rely on the wisdom of some old janitor to get him out of intergalactic scrapes.
69. Two Words: Funky Sideburns.
68. Kirk never asks his bartender for advice.
67. Kirk never once said: "Abandon ship! All hands abandon ship!"
66. Kirk is not politically correct.
65. Kirk never got "dumped" by some woman for an intergalactic busy body named after a letter of the alphabet.
64. Kirk never wore green tights and frolicked about in Sherwood Forest.
63. If there was ever a Klingon on Kirk's bridge, Kirk would likely be dead.
62. The first Enterprise didn't have a lounge.
61. Ever hear of a bar shooter called: "Make it so?" No? How about a "Beam me up Scotty" then? See the difference?
60. One Word: Miniskirts.
59. Kirk's girlfriends always look good in soft light.
58. When Picard found humans from the 20th century, he returned them to Earth. When Kirk found humans from the 20th century, he beamed them to a hostile planet.
57. Kirk never went anywhere without a whole bunch of guys in red shirts.
56. Kirk's first officer didn't play some wimpy instrument like the trombone.
55. Kirk had more dates than his first officer.
54. The extent of Kirk's knowledge of Klingon vocabulary can be roughly translated as "GO FUCK YOURSELF."
53. If something doesn't speak English -- it's toast.
52. Kirk wasn't some prissy archaeology fan.
51. Picard's middle name isn't tough or awe-inspiring like Tiberius is.
50. If Kirk finds a strange spinning probe, he blows it up.
49. Picard has never met Joan Collins.
48. Kirk's bridge had rails made of orange-painted 2x4's.
47. Picard flunked his entrance exams to Starfleet.
46. Picard hasn't fathered any children; Kirk -- probably millions.
45. Kirk has a cool phaser, not some pansy Braun mix-master.
44. One word: Miri.
43. Kirk would've figured out how to kill Q.
42. Two Words: Line Delivery.
41. Picard grew up on a quaint little French vineyard, squishing grapes between his toes, while Kirk slung bales of wheat and hay in Iowa to put himself through school.
40. Kirk emphasizes his orations with pertinent hand gestures.
39. Kirk once made a cannon out of bamboo, sulfur, potassium nitrate and charcoal, and fired diamonds into the heart of his enemies. (Need we say more?)
38. Kirk is not put off by green skin.
37. Kirk was out saving the galaxy when Picard's grandfather was wearing diapers.
36. Kirk knows how to deal with peace loving hippy goofs.
35. Kirk once fought a Greek god. And won.
34. Kirk drinks Romulan Ale.
33. Kirk rarely asks for suggestions. And if he does, he asks Spock only.
32. Kirk won't let his Doctor tell him what to do.
31. One Word: Fisticuffs.
30. Kirk's name is hated throughout the galaxy.
29. Kirk appreciates Shakespeare, but doesn't let it show.
28. You can never lock up Kirk for very long.
27. Kirk's eulogies can actually make you cry.
26. Kirk plays god with lesser cultures, and then exploits them for resources.
25. Kirk's son would never drop out to become a musician.
24. Kirk could climb up a Jeffries Tube and fix anything.
23. Kirk never hired an engineer with punk glasses.
22. The Klingons didn't have a word for surrender -- until they met Kirk.
21. Kirk's bridge is not beige.
20. Two Words: Crane Shots.
19. Picard likes wimpy violin music -- and coerces Data into playing it.
18. Picard allows cats on board, while Kirk beams away even cute things, like tribbles.
17. Kirk is a cultural icon -- Picard is just some guy who's really nice.
16. Kirk specifically ordered a swivel LA-Z-BOY for the bridge.
15. Kirk would never touch SYNTHAHOL.
14. Kirk looks distinguished in reading glasses -- and nobody dares to call him "four eyes."
13. Kirk can infiltrate Gangsters, Nazis, and even the Pentagon -- easily.
12. Picard likes painting nudes, for art's sake.
11. When Kirk doesn't trust the Romulans, he fires at them. When Picard doesn't trust the Romulans, he gets fired at.
10. Kirk never once, ever, wore a wiener wrapping Speedo banana hammock on shore leave.
9. Kirk never gets his command codes locked out by some pimply acting ensign.
8. Kirk doesn't test the engines -- he just fires them up.
7. When Kirk says "Boldly Go" he MEANS it.
6. Three Words: Flying Leg Kick.
5. Picard's crew would never think of him as a sexual object.
4. Kirk traveled through the Great Barrier, met God, and wasn't even impressed.
3. Kirk's bedroom is a passion pit with electric sheets.
2. Kirk would never let his Chief of Security wear a ponytail.
1. One Word: Balls
